Tuesday, April 27, 2010

cosas que surgen de mi inconsciente cuando mi necesidad de crear se lanza

Monday, April 26, 2010

gave way
i miss my art supplies and tools to a hilt.  which took me to thinking what would happen if suddenly a catastophe DID actually happen in the world with so much talk of an imending end.  and what if i were to make it through, no computers, no art supplies, nothing but starting over and resorting to whatever was around me?  well, isn't that how it all began in the first place, something from nothing?

so i searched around and found Joe's colored pencils, a block and just freehanded whatever came from my gut today.  as always, i am surprised that my life is SO filled with color.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

it is suddenly cold, very cold here in santiago de chile and i seek refuge.  refuge from responsibility in order to do what i really like. i spent most of the day putting together a fabric pillow in order to lighten things up here in this barren apartment.  somehow the reds and oranges were the right colors amid the impending gloom of winter, a recurring season which i have yet to decipher.  i am not particularly drawn to winter, those early nights, darkness more than light and cold.  so imbuing my life with color.  i am so happy with the results of this spontaneous, freehand applique pillow, all elements speaking of my will.for light. it is the first element of change and future i have created fully since my mother left me.

Friday, April 23, 2010

lazy cozy day just for me me me.  after weeks of running all over the township, i slept in, made coffee, wrapped myself in a blanket and enjoyed the vista from the apartment window as i ponder on my next moves.

ofcourse my little Lenovo netbook has been my other window to the world.  there i found a site with the perfect pre-fab mini log home that i want to build on my land in puerto varas

then i got carried away looking for all sorts of folk art that might suit the environs
oh won't it be loverly?
lots of chocolates for me to eat,lots of coal making lots of 'eat,
warm feet, warm hands, ah, won't it be loverly!

no one else has seen those secret sides of you
that is alone my prize
and sometimes a shame it's true
but i won't tell a soul if you don't want me to
what if i write a book
and put this on page two
and dedicate it to you

i'm surrendering my heart
take this prisoner in your arms
i want to be anything and everything for you
and when it's hard to do
if I could be only one
yea, if i could choose one
i would choose true blue
true blue

in my eyes are reflections of the places we have been
they've seen the glory and defeat
and in between
they have looked to you to pull me through
the healing of my troubled soul
all begins and ends with you
that and this is true

I'm a prisoner of my heart
you could say right from the start
if i could be anything and everything for you
i would see it through
but if i could be only one
yea, if i could choose one
i would choose true blue
i would choose true blue

surrender to your heart
surrender to your heart
i'm a prisoner of my heart
i surrendered from the start
i want to be everything
and everything i do
oh it's all for you
but if i could be only one
if i could be only one
yea, if i could choose one
i would choose true blue
i would choose true blue

dedicated to the one i love

Thursday, April 22, 2010

de a poquito

me puse a coser

i am starting to see the light again. i know the pain of my mother's passing will be there for a long long time, but i feel she is allowing me to stop grieving and having all these flashbacks of that eventful night. i have begun to sew and knit again and although with scarce materials since most of my art supplies remain in the states, i inject life into the sparse surroundings with that little i have. there are possibilities here, and i wonder if it not might be the right time to move back to my native grounds. above all, it's the friends and the smells of trees and breezes, certain tastes of typical dishes, a whif of my essential being.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

something quite extraordinary happened to me yesterday. unable to gather strength to even get up to tackle the myriad of errands still pending with Mom's estate, i remembered her favorite saint (santa rita) and began praying to her. over the next half hour i noticed she was intervening and carrying me through the day. although in a haze and literally feeling like a zombie through the streets of downtown Santiago, i managed to pick up two of four important documents. walking towards the metro to return home, i passed the church where she is venerated and spent a good while in her company contemplating a beautiful painting of her.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

artesania en crin chile
entirely made with horse hair

Poniendome al Dia

chile y mas chile, mucho caminar por calles, asomarse por ventanas, desplazarse en micro, metro, el gentio del paseo ahumada, bocinas, vendedores callejeros, toparse, parar a tomarse un cortado, juntarse a medio camino con amigas y amigos para compartir el momento, preguntarse si quiero volver. tanto chile que absorber, shock cultural all over.

y mi casa? mi redil? mi santuario? mas alla, mas alla, mas alla


i have lived through more in three months in Chile than perhaps my 11 years away. following mummy's death, a week precisely, that infamous 8.8 earthquake which we happened to live through on an eleventh floor. the 27th. of february 2010 3:30 a.m i thought it was the end of the world. for three straight minutes chile's earth shook. i rolled up into the fetal position on the living room floor and said my goodbyes as i heard my brother wailing close by. lamps, pictures, books, glasses falling all around us with shattering consequences.and then the total silence and darkness. no electricity or phone, not even cells, for almost five days. days of adapting to the horror and fear as news reached us via this netbook about the devastation in the rest of the country. living by candlelight, my brother and father spent evenings inventing conversations and holding on. slowly we became resourceful and we bonded with neighbors. as most supermarkets were closed, we lived on sandwiches until we were able to plug our refrigerator into an extension chord going down the building's staircase to the generator below. days of anguish followed in expectation of hearing news of friends and relatives as aftershock after aftershock paralyzed our senses. then a second big one, 7.2. , and then a six hour total blackout in the entire country. apocalypse now. eery, humbling and, once again, life changing.
i know for fact that i have a big, unerrasable scar on my heart for the month of february,2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I am now Motherless. I re-read those words and I become faint. As I seek solace in a charming French-style hotel in the middle of uptown Santiago, I realize how life-shattering these past three months have been. Paula died February 20th., only three days after my last post. I am so affected that I can no longer remain in her apartment and had to run away today to self protect. Dismantling, selling off some of her things including the apartment, have become beyond painful.

Caring for her was a breeze compared to the whirlwind that has followed. Mostly legal, bureaucratic nuisances that take away all the romanticism out of a human life story.

Without her, and after all the experiences (you know the gammut including the pillage) after her death, my life is changed forever. No more Paulita's voice, her sound advice, her elegance, her joie de vivre. No more Joe either, her husband of 27 years has gone home to New York. And now myself, after all that, asking myself WHAT NOW? The friends have returned to their normal lives, the dust has begun to settle and I must begin anew without her. Soon I will post a video of her last farewell as her ashes were set to sea in Isla Negra in front of Pablo Neruda's house.
Slowly, softly,
I will survive.

More to come on a few fun things in Chile.